apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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