If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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