if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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