i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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