HIV tests are more positive than that guy
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
