i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
