also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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