never play flip cup with pint glasses
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
