yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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