I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There r osticjed everywhere
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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