i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We left the knife in your bed.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
