She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
