peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Duck Duck Cougar?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
