Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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