I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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