True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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