Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
