i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My friends, they love my intelligence
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
