I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize