let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
