I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
