I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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