I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
