Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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