I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
