my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
