Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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