I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
