I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
