if only i could text you this smell
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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