It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
