He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
