I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
