How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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