I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
