you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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