My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We're too hungover to prance.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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