I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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