and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
