I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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