Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
