Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
