i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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