I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
