Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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