1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
