the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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