that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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