I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
