did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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