is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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