All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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