Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
