I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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