I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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