He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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