Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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