His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
