I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
