apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
